“Until one loves a dog, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.”-Anatole France

Most Beautiful Thing I’ve Seen In A While...

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Divorce

I don’t hate you…
I just hate they way you gave up on us and the way you gave up on yourself.
I hate how I was ignored and underappreciated and how even now, it really is no different except I don’t live with you.
I hate that you need to be intoxicated to feel or express yourself.

I hate that you’re a zombie.
I hate that you clearly saw the effect you had over me; the toxicity claiming me and did nothing.
I hate that my soul had died, and I felt like I was withering away and you still did nothing.
I hate that you lied to me and yourself.
I hate that I wasn’t enough.
I hate the fact I am broken because of you and I have to relearn how to live.

I hate the fact that there wasn’t even another woman involved because then at least I could have understood.
I hate how worthless I felt with you.
I hate how now friends and family are fading from my life because I chose to leave you to better myself.
I hate that in choosing to live, everything around me dies.
I hate the fact I don’t miss you anymore but resent you.

I don’t hate you…I just hate the piece of me you destroyed and I can never get back.

Addicted To Cuteness

Hello,

My name is Sarah and I am addicted to cuteness. *sigh* I may need an intervention. See puppies below.

No, I don’t get this mysterious urge to drink. Maybe it was poor advertising and yet a stroke of genius at the same time. I just want another puppy now, but I’m not allowed. Even if I say it’s for Buddie, my Lab. >.> He needs a puppy damn it! Point being I must have watched these videos dozens of times, at least.

Got cuteness?

This one makes me happy and depressed all at the same time. *huggles her Buddie*

Buddie the SnowDog

Buddie the SnowDog

Way to be Chevy. I secretly hate you now just a bit because you are brainwashing me with beautiful cuteness. This has depth and meaning beyond a simple car commercial. Damn them! Least it’s not clowns. >.> Right Camila?

Countering with more cuteness! Budweiser strikes again!

I don’t know about you, but I was cheering for the dog when the owner came back. <.<

Alright, who taught the dogs to drive? How responsible is that Suburu?!

*SQUEE!* OK. I get it. @.@

 Waaait a minute. All golden retrievers! What is this discrimination?! Well, I can’t really complain, my first furry friend was Sasha and then Samantha both Goldens. xxoo

*Edit* Wait! There are two labs! I stand corrected. 

Love Or Fear

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body, my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

I found this youtube feed from a link to Alan Watts. Those of you not familiar with him, essentially he gives philosophical and emotional speeches to inspire, motivate, and get the mind working. The page I go to is ‘theJourneyofPurpose.‘ For myself, I love anything that makes me contemplate life from it’s minor simplistic view of reality and illusion to the most intricate moments of our lives. To me, it is awe inspiring and beautiful. It reminds me of that moment when I first saw the night sky not polluted by all the city lights, way up in the woods on a snowy, winter’s night. I wanted to count every star because I felt I had witnessed it all while at the same time feeling so small in the scheme of things. The universe can be thought of as infinite and thus limitless just as Mr. Carrey is stating here in comparison with the human soul. Who knew his artistic passions surpassed those ‘smoke and mirrors’ into a real human being. Breathtaking to know real people exist in a world that is so often seen as dark and broken. Life really does come down to the little things we encounter on a day to day  basis because if everyone took a moment to smile at a stranger or give to someone in need; true acts of selflessness, then the whole and unity of our planet would be all for the better. There are no limits except those we implement as a prison within ourselves.

 

 Within each of us, there is a silence, a silence as vast as the universe. And when we experience that silence, we remember who we are. ~Gunilla Norris~

Some of the most meaningful acts between two people can be interpreted through their silence. How many people out there, take the time to look beyond the mask many of us put on for the world? That mask that was slowly molded into existence as a child by our peers and family, even if unintentionally; sometimes it will never come off and sometimes it will shatter. We all judge one another just as much as we judge ourselves, even if we don’t like to admit it, because of how others may have perceived us and thus perceive the world. What is considered beautiful or ugly? Right or wrong? In the end, it all comes down to the notion if we can live another day to look at ourselves in the mirror. Are you happy with what you see or do you cringe and shy away from that reflective glass, dreading your reality? Music does the same thing for me as silence because it gives me moments to myself to reflect without the noise of society breathing down my neck and I firmly believe it is important for everyone to be able to be comfortable with solitude. Moments of peace and chaos.  Those who can not stand it, seem to, at most times, be the ones who are not comfortable with themselves. Which leads us to the next quote..

 

There is no reality except the one contained within us.. ~Hermann Hesse~

 

Love Or Fear? Timeless question to which many debate between the matter that we have a choice or that we don’t. I think it goes both ways. Upon my back I have a rose aflame, tattooed with those words, “Love or Fear.” It is a huge part of me and I feel a huge part of humanity. What drives us if not stemming from those two major factors? Do we choose to proceed with the cards we have been dealt; to play or to fold? To grow or to burn? Is it all in our minds what we love or fear or are some things simply out of our control when it comes to emotions? It is no easy feat to take hold of our spirit and rein it in so that our minds can be at peace with our hearts. Perhaps therein lies the problem and maybe we should just let our souls run free.

What is holding me back in pursuing my dreams? Money, time? What is holding you back? If we are honest with ourselves, it is us drowning ourselves in that sea of doubt and giving birth to excuses. We are all guilty of this, myself included. It is no easy feat, but perhaps it isn’t the end result that is most important, but the journey itself. Prioritize, reflect, focus and yet let your mind go and be open to the beautiful possibilities this world is capable of. Have faith in yourselves, embrace your fears (which may never disappear), and choose love.

Just Another Moment…

Hello,

I was rereading some posted pieces on Shadows of the Forgotten and decided to share this. To bring those unfamiliar with the story, up to speed, this takes place after Luckas and Ess leave the city of Blackpond, just after disposing of Ess’ traitorous brother, Ian. He deserved his suffering, trust me. Maybe another time I’ll post that entire scene but in the meantime if you are curious, you can read the story at the above link. Anyways, Ess’ mother died in childbirth and she never saw her (can’t remember her because she was an infant) and Luckas took a memory from Ian and gave it to Ess. It’s a sweet and beautiful moment. Enjoy.

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Ess’ head snapped up at attention, her brows came together in a puzzled expression, as she moved away from her horse and stood before Luckas. Gradually her eyes casually scanned her friend, snickering when her hand reached for Luckas, fingers once again slinking through his hair where she paused to ruffle up a few locs. She let her eyes lock with his, the rest of the world melting away.

In the beginning, as usual, there was only darkness. As if her eyes had been closed, suddenly opening, rays of fading light; reds, oranges, pinks, and yellows streamed along the horizon. Leafless trees bending from a howling wind against the setting sun, gave the surrounding buildings a lingering glow as street torches were lit for the oncoming evening.

“Ian…it’s your turn to clear the table son…” A man’s voice called from inside. “And shut that window, you’re letting the heat out.”

Ian sighed, giving the window a forceful shove, locking it tight. Moving towards the kitchen table, he began piling the dirty plates together, pausing to stare over towards the mantle. There, Ess’’ father was massaging his wife’s shoulders from where she sat before him, rocking slightly in her chair. Symphony was humming quietly, resting her hands upon her enlarged belly, cheeks glowing a rosy hue against her snow white skin. Dirk was running his fingers through her long, burgundy strands, humming softly in unison. Symphony’s eyes slowly closed as her lips parted in song:

Sweet…Sweet child…see me…..
Tiny..white dove..
Destined to be free….
Winds carry you above…
Speckled in crimson blood…

Sweet….sweet love…hear my song…
Burn with desire…
Never settle for the wrong…
Toss regrets into the fire…
Their ashes blinding those who conspire…

There was a pause, Symphony opening her lavender gaze to look into Dirks deep blues and for a moment it was like all else was forgotten. Dirk leaned forward, kissing Symphony’s forehead as he slid his hand over hers and they gasped, muttering simultaneously. “…You can feel the heart beat…” They both laughed, as Symphony continued to sing, her husband’s tenor grace reverberating off the walls when he joined in.

Sweet…sweet baby…
Open your eyes….
Beauty of the soul, little lady…
Real love… that never dies…
Drink deeply the life, draining the skies..

“Ma…how do you know it’s a girl?” Ian muttered out, Dirk chuckling at his son’s apparent perplexed expression.

Symphony turned to look upon Ian, a kind smile overtaking her expression. It was like Ess was there, looking straight into her mother’s own eyes…her eyes. The voice that answered, was unexpected, compared to the soprano-alto that sang seconds ago; now higher pitched with an accent, her vowels dragged out in a subtle lisp. “…Because son….she told me..”

Essence beamed brightly, tears shimmering like stars, aching to fall, yet she held them back, gasping a bit, her vision going dark. As reality slowly trickled back into focus, Luckas’ black eyes already faded from their mimicked violet, Ess found herself stretching out for the image of her mother as it disappeared. She didn’t even notice how her hand hovered just beside Luckas’ cheek, her ears ringing with her mother’s words. “I can feel it……she will be the light in darkness…she will love…she will hate….she will suffer….but still her fire will burn..”

As Luckas’ eyes faded back to his usual black there was something slightly different in his gaze, so much in fact he could feel it in the form of a slight shiver working its way up his spine. He wasn’t sure what that shiver was, or what feeling was behind it really, it wasn’t unpleasant just… Odd. Slowly, he took a step back, his cheek brushing against Ess’ hand as he turned his face away from her, his eyes lowering to the ground as he whispered. “Like I said… Moments.”

Meet Dirk

 So here is a flashback of my character Essence when she was small, having story time with her father. It’s adorable and one of my favorites of her father because he is awesome and there is so much meaning beneath the story he tells for many reasons, that which I can not disclose because it hasn’t all come to light yet in the RP Shadows of the Forgotten. The bits of dialogue that are in bold are usually when a telepath is using some form of power of suggestion. This is noted here for clarification because unless you have read what is posted so far, you wouldn’t know that Ess’ father was a telepath of sorts, more specifically in being like a muse and that gift with the power of suggestion. Many of the things said here, in this flashback, for example, are quotes Ess uses later on or morals or beliefs that are applied to her life later on. She’s only just making the connection because it’s almost like a hypnotic suggestion. It’s subtle, nevertheless. Anyways, Enjoy.

 

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Twenty Six Years ago…Whirlwind..

“Da?” Ess whined, rubbing at her sleepy eyes and dragging her sheep’s blanket behind her. “Da…” She continued, not finding her father in his room but in the living area before the fireplace.

“Essy…it’s late…what’s wrong Sweetness?” Dirk whispered, putting down his pen, kind blue eyes looking over the tiny four year old with concern. “Did you have another bad dream?”

Ess answered only by squirming her way onto her father’s lap and covering both him and herself with her blanket. “I  dunno..” She muttered, bouncing her feet that hung off of  Dirks knees. “I didn’t know where you were..”

“Aww, sweetie..I’m always Here.

What you doing?” Ess asked, staring down at the table where Dirk had left his pen beside a small leather book, torn pages sticking out from beneath the journal.

“Writing stories, Essy.” Her father smiled leaning in and kissing the top of her head.

“What kind of stories? Are you going to read to me?” Ess’ eyes widened in interest as she looked up at her father.

“Maybe when you’re older Essy. Some of them are scary.” Dirk half played, suddenly hugging his daughter tight and pretending to shiver in fright.

Ess giggled, tiny dimples appearing at her cheeks. “Don’t worry Da…I’ll keep the monsters away..” She stated proudly and wrapped her arms around her father’s neck. “I won’t be scared, promise.”

“My brave little girl, so sweet that she would put herself first for her old man.” Dirk winked, absently tugging on Ess’ curls and running his fingers through her hair to loosen a few snarls. “It’s ok to be scared though, Ess. You being brave just shows that there is something more important out there than your fear. But it’s late and you’ll have nightmares, so how about I tell you  a story about your Mother, hmm?”

Ess started to protest, glancing down at the journal as she began chewing on her bottom lip.

“Ok, Da…you  tell me scary stuff when sun is out..and…” She sighed, snuggling up as close as humanly possible to her father, closing her eyes to listen. “I want to hear about mommy being little…” Ess commanded with a tired nod.

Dirk chuckled at his daughter, leaning back with her close against his chest. “Yes, M’am..”

“Let’s see…..when I was around your brother’s age, I first visited this town with my father. Your mother was born here in Whirlwind but I was born…”

Ess chimed in, “Oakstone!”

Dirk chuckled, patting the girl on the back. “Yes, very good Essy. My father was what we call a peddler but he wasn’t any ordinary tradesman because he acquired rare items for people besides the normal everyday stuff we need to live.”

“Like food and fur, but what are rare items?”

Dirk nodded. “Don’t forget the little wooden figurines my mother would carve.”

“Like the dragon!! But if grandma had never seen one, how did she know what a dragon looks like?”

“Now you are distracting me, Sweetness..patience. Daddy will get to that…”

Ess pulled the blanket up to her neck and closed her eyes as Dirk backtracked a bit. “I was not sure what was meant by ‘Rare items’ as they were always kept a secret from me because my Da said it was dangerous to speak outloud of such beauties. If everyone knew about them then everyone would want them and when that happens people fight and destroy those beauties.”

“Why?…If they break them and make them go away, then no one can have em’.”

Dirk leaned in and kissed the top of his daughter’s head. “You are very right. How did u get so smart?”

Ess peeked through slit eyelids and gave a tired smile and shrugged. “Ok, Da. Was this where you met Mommy? How old was she?”

“Oh, right right…Yes, this was when I met your mother. She had to have been a few years younger, so maybe around ten. I didn’t know it then, but your mom had a very special gift and it had just started to show itself. See, my Da set up shop for the day by the Cherry Blossom trees where your mom was playing in the fallen petals.”

Dirk took a slow breath, closing his eyes a moment as if to get a clearer picture, his smile fading as he fought to remain upbeat. “Symphony was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.” He opened his eyes again and nodded. “That is saying a lot too because my Da and I had been all over Valcrest. She was dressed in white, small pink blossoms embroidered along the sleeves of her gown, the folds of material flowing in the summer breeze. Her hair wasn’t as long as it was when she had you, but it was past her shoulders; straight, dark red hair. Your mom was singing as she danced beneath the blossoms and it looked as if they moved to her voice. It seemed like she was controlling them with her song.”

“Was she?” Essence opened her eyes to look up at her father.

“No, Sweetness. As I got closer I found that I couldn’t take my eyes off of her…and now that I think on it, I can’t remember the words of her song.” Dirk fell silent, quirking a brow as he thought, his handsome smile returning. “It could have to do with what I found out years later from your mother. Symphony believed that everything happens for a reason. Some things are within our control and some are not, but we always have a choice..even if the choice is one we don’t like to think about.”

Ess sighed, shaking her head in a bit of confusion. “Da..I don’t get it..”

“ What I mean Essy, is in my case, I had caught her eye one of the times I visited town but I had never seen her before this day. She chose to invite me into her life, even if in the most not obvious way. Her song was about me..so she said and it..brought me to her.”

Essence’s brows furrowed, a somewhat cranky look in her eye. “You saying, mommy’s song made you love her?”

Dirk chuckled, reaching down to lift his daughter’s chin to look directly into her eyes. “Your mother, only made me notice her. No one made me love her because that isn’t something that can be forced. It just…happens. We can’t control it but…we can control what we do with it.”

“..I still don’t get it..” Ess pouted, causing her father to laugh louder.

“You will..but there you go distracting me again..where was I..?”

“You just met Mommy…”

“Right, right. Your Grandpa, my father had been watching me with your Mother and tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention and passed over to me discreetly a couple small Iris flowers…the color of her eyes…of your eyes, Essy. She allowed me to place them in her hair and that was the moment I really first saw her eyes. It wasn’t just the color, but the way they flashed brightly when she laughed. It brought out an intricate pattern…I mean you know with lots of lines and zig zags…like the veins of that Birch Tree you watched me cut down yesterday.”

Ess nodded, once again closing her eyes as if she were trying to picture her Mom in her head. She listened for some time as she stayed quiet and her Father went off on the fine lines of her smile and the kindness in her touch when he held her hand. It was soothing to listen to the description, making it almost as if her Mother was there with them in that moment.

“Da..You miss Mommy a lot…” She whispered sleepily.

“Yes, Baby girl, I do..She was…the strongest woman I have ever known.” He answered, an obvious tone of sadness in his voice.

“So, what happened next? When did you move to Whirlwind?”

“Aren’t you getting tired yet?” Dirk poked his daughter in the side playfully.

“No..” Ess giggled through a yawn.

“Well..just as my Father was closing up shop and packing away the wagon, a stranger came riding on his horse. He was dressed in black and was carrying a curious package under his arm that he was looking to trade with my Father. Your Mother and I watched as the man revealed a large rock like object, rough to the touch but sparkled as if covered in gems and sapphires. My Da’s eyes lit up instantly, weighing the object in his hands, clearly stressing some under the heaviness before placing upon a table. Without a word he went into the wagon and retrieved what I saw as a dagger. It didn’t seem special but the stranger looked quite excited to trade his object for the dagger. After he left I asked my Da what he had traded the dagger for and he said..it was a Dragon egg.”

“Really? Did it hatch? Was there anything in it? How heavy was it?!” Ess sat up, spewing forth an array of questions.

Dirk leaned in close as if he was about to tell a secret, exaggerating his smile as he continued. “Well…I never found that out. See, I didn’t really believe it was a real Dragon egg, but not that whatever it was, wasn’t valuable. Yet, your Mother looked scared.. She said,  “‘Get rid of it..Dragon eggs only bring death..’”Dirk whispered, clutching Ess tight as if he were afraid, but Essence’s eyes widened, jaw dropping in awe.

“So, I tried to get my Father to listen to her but naturally why would he indulge someone’s fears based on stories alone and no real facts. We can’t go by Myth alone..”

“What about the Twins? They are Myth..” Ess objected.

Dirk nodded. “Yes, Baby girl but they are also a guide. I want you to learn from life and make your own decisions and not just fear something because someone tells you to..”

“But, was it really a Dragon egg? Why haven’t I seen it?”

“..That night, after we had returned  to our home, my Mother and Father and I were sitting down to dinner when the screams began. Outside, the town was burning in bright flames that seemed to spread from nowhere.”

“Was it a dragon?! Did it come for the egg?”

“That’s what I thought, Essy. My Father and I never saw what was causing the fires but we didn’t stay to find out.  We escaped, leaving the egg in fear of taking it with us. My Ma swore the fires came from the sky and she kept telling my Da over and over she saw large shadows that resembled a  winged creature but my Da would never admit to believing it.”

“That’s when Grandma made the wooden dragon.” Ess added, Dirk confirming with a nod. “Why did you leave? Why not build a new house?”

Dirk hesitated, finally stretching back and propping his feet upon the table and snuggled Ess closer. “We were all afraid. Many people died Ess and there were rumors. Rumors of what had happened to the town and who had caused the fires. The few who survived, after that, slowly disappeared. Or so I heard.”

Ess’ eyes widened again. “Did someone kill them? Steal them?”

“I don’t know, Sweetness. But that’s why we went to Whirlwind and made it our home. Wasn’t so bad because then I got to be with your Ma all the time.” Dirk sighed, “But now, little Miss, it is off to bed before all this talk of dragons gives you nightmares.” He stated, rising to his feet with his daughter in his arms, carrying her to her bed with little to no effort. Moving to leave after tucking her in and giving her a goodnight kiss, Ess cried out to her father.

“Da..can you stay in my room?” Essence asked sweetly, somewhat half asleep. “I miss you already…”

Dirk was silent in the darkness, an adoring smile crossing over an amused expression. “If that is what you want, Essy. I’m going to get a blanket, ok?” He shuffled out and back in the room in seconds, only taking the time to put away the book and torn pages first. He settled beside her bed, in an upright position upon the floor.

“I like it better when you’re here…” Essence mumbled almost incoherently.

Dirk rested his head next to her hand and  watched her for a bit before falling asleep to the sound of Ess’ soft snores.   “I will never leave you..”

Life after Death

Why is it that I get the urge to talk to someone who has been out of my life for years? It wasn’t a friendship that casually faded or someone I simply lost touch with. No. It ended badly. I was told by this person that, essentially, he can get on with his life if he imagines that I am dead instead of alive and just void from any interaction with him. The choice was more painful than an act of nature. That was four years ago. So maybe, this is life after death? 

For all intents and purposes, it is best I don’t talk to this person. Even after all the anger, the violence, the hate; there was an undeniable attraction between us. One look would draw the other in, would make us weak in the knees, and could force us into each other’s arms. I could argue, because of the anger and betrayal, that what kept us together for so long, was that attraction. Maybe that was part of it, but it was also knowing it wasn’t always bad. There was a time, we did love one another. There was a time, things were good. It wasn’t a lie and it wasn’t faked. So, where did it go wrong? Blame aside on how it started, I let myself be hurt over and over because of how much I did love him and in turn hurt him back when I could. It sickens me because I put myself through it and yet, after all these years I find myself haunted by dreams of him. I remember when things were simple and easy. We could enjoy each other’s company and do nothing or just respond to the other’s physical desires. We knew what lingered in the other’s soul and he knew what sent shivers down my spine even in those first few moments. It was insane how much we fit and yet the passion only led to destruction.

I feel guilty. Guilty for thinking of him occasionally even after we are both with other people. Could it be I’m not happy and missing that attention and key attraction that I had with him? Possible I just want to feel desired again, and his desire was unmatched, even when it strayed. 

So, because it would be destructive to contact him directly, even if to wish him well, I will get it out here. To my Ex. I loved you and parts of me still do. I think of you and wish you well and do honestly hope you find happiness, because you have people around you that love you and want to see you do well. You are: intelligent, witty, corny, passionate, emotional, introverted, shy, assertive, and interesting even when you are boring. I wish I was enough because I know that now, you were and there are times, I admit, that I wished it had worked out for us. I will never be blessed to have someone like you in my life again but I know our passion was a fire that quickly burned us to ash. Be safe and stay strong. We can never be friends because one day we would give in to that fiery passion again. That’s not to sound conceded. That is just pointing out what was attempted before and I wish it could have been different, but it’s not.

Apart of you always,

Sarah

A Character’s Journal…

I burned my old journal, page by page, in a mix of fury, rage, and fear for what it could possibly expose to others if found. Now, I finally decided to start a new and recapture those lost memories so that one day others can learn from my life. Honestly, it will most likely be kept within the family and I doubt Darren will ever give away those secrets that lie between these pages. Not all are obvious and blunt and some I may not even realize I’m fully disclosing. At any rate, I can’t do much else lately but recall the past thirty years of my life and scrutinize every second. I remind myself constantly that I don’t exactly regret some things nor would I have played it out differently at this point because then I wouldn’t be who I am. Sometimes I thought I didn’t know who I was or that I didn’t want to be the woman I was turning into. Which brings me to describe the three most important men in my life and how they each represent a piece of me; a piece of my soul.

 

For the sake of argument, I  am only going to discuss the living and not talk about my father. It’s not that I didn’t love him, because he was my favorite person in my life and has done so much for me in the few years I knew him. I bring him up though just to reference why the little boy with bright blue eyes, stood out to me one day in the busy streets of Blackpond. Grown up now, Jacob resembles my father in many ways, in only that he reminds me of him and although I call him my brother, in strength, heart, and soul, he is not by blood. At least, I don’t think. Ancestral history is a bit confusing for me and I won’t get into that now.

 

Jacob Allen Turner. Jake. Jakey. My Jakey-Bear. Although many years younger than myself, I never once treated him as a child in the way that I ruled over him or that he was not an equal. Jake was always my equal, who I shared almost everything with. He met me at a time where I thought I had lost myself; those building blocks that make a soul. Jake, to me, is humanity. I see it so much clearer now than when we were children. I adored him then because of his ignorance and yet he absorbed everything like a sponge with such indifference towards me. Still now, even if he clearly doesn’t like something I say or do, he loves me.

 

Jake’s kindness and innocence brought me back from a darkness that was swelling in me. That darkness never left, understand, but he helped remind me of what was still there inside of me and that I did matter. He was my ONLY beacon of hope to turn to, even though he didn’t fully understand how or why I belonged to someone else and how I was a slave. He only knew they were cruel to me and that was enough for him to know it was wrong.

 

So for all intents and purposes, Jacob is apart of my soul. He is what can only be described as love and compassion. Humanity. Jake is the reason I was open to the possibility of love and could find it in the most unlikely places, which leads me to the other part of my soul.

 

Luckas.

 

The villain from my nightmares; those stories my father told me as a child. How was I to know they were not just stories? How would I know that one day, what I feared I would become. It’s a bit complicated to many. How can one love and be compassionate and have this urgency to kill. To be fair, I don’t go on murderous rampages and peel the flesh off of children. Growing up as a product of child abuse in every form, you can image what my pet peeves are and what will set me off. So to understand what drew me to Luckas you would have to read the other entries, our history of how we met in a dark alley one fateful night when I came upon him and his latest victim. He could have killed me and most definitely, even after everything, I believed he should have, I’m happy he didn’t. Luke didn’t have the strength, an act of mercy, or something inside my mind that caught his eye when he infiltrated my thoughts and the very being of who I was– All are possible reasons. Needless to say I lived and I should not have remembered him, but there again came that dark eyed figure haunting my dreams; only this time I longed to know him.

 

Something in our minds latched on to one another, forming a psychic link we had no clue was even there. We didn’t understand it for a long time or were even able to reach all corners of it’s potential, until after some time we were fated to meet again.

 

Luckas is a killer. He enjoys watching other writhe and suffer. Much like myself in many ways, although our…decision making in choosing our victims is not always the same. But to each his own. How would I judge him for something I do myself? I have limitations of course, which he has come close to crossing and some I know he never will, because as much as he believes he is a monster, I know he can’t be more of one than I am.

 

I fell for him in my dreams, as I watched him age over the years. It was odd feeling like you knew someone for a long time and yet knew nothing about the stranger before you. Just like myself, there was so much both of us were keeping hidden from the world, so I always saw something beneath his cold exterior.  I don’t shun him for who he is and neither does he me. We accept one another, even those parts we never fully comprehend. Different and yet similar, we encompass several sides of the world, of life, that has created a most unusual bond. He is my friend, my ally, companion, partner, and that other half of my soul that borders that darkness as if he were peeking out from the shadows. My Shadow. We take care and protect one another.  He keeps me grounded in a manner so I don’t become someone else than myself. My greatest fear. He may not realize it, but he does. I love that I can be myself around him. From every tear to every drop of blood shed with him, he is mine and I am his. No one needs to understand that connection but us. Sometimes I wonder if I would let the world burn just to be near him.

 

Now, we come to the love of my life. My son, Darren. I was led to believe he had died at birth only to discover he was a pawn in some twisted business deal between those who sought to possess and torment me. Growing up with his father, who was, to say the least, a horrid excuse of a man but to not come out anything like that, was simply a miracle to me. He resembles my father, has my eyes and obviously gets his good looks from his mother. I guess he can keep his black curly hair too, after all it does give him a certain kind of boyish charm that always seems to draw attention. I think that will never change, no matter his age. There was always something about our family that drew in people, if we liked it or not.

 

He most definitely is my son in that he shares my legendary stubbornness, but he is far more patient than I am. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who can make him angry, and if I am honest with myself, it is kind of amusing. It’s a different kind of anger than with his father. Funny again, I am honest with my son, but he, like Jake, still loves me even for all the darkness inside. I don’t say this like that, to exclude Luckas, it is just Luckas is different than them. Still, no one will ever know everything II have bared to Luckas, but Darren knows enough. He understands me better I think than most because he has the recipes to see behind my words and actions. He is the glue that keeps me together and I couldn’t be prouder. Darren is the product of my soul. He has darkness in him, much like anyone, but it is such a small part of him, that it tears at him like no other when it rears  its ugly head. My son would rather laugh, smile, and love. That is just the type of man he is and I wish I could see him have a family of his very own to carry on the family name. Him and I are the last of our lineage, that I know of, in Valcrest.

So now you know a secret to what fuels the woman known as Essence V. Talon. Many faces, many voices, so even if one never knew my true features, they now know an intricate maze that is my soul, can be described by three men. Jacob, Luckas, and Darren. My spirit, my will, my strength…a swirling vortex of emotion that is me. There is no black and white; no good or bad. Only courage.

~~~Essence as is from Shadows of the Forgotten~~~~~