Matter…

Do I matter?

 

I want to matter. I want to be desired. I want to feel special. I want to be missed and thought of often. I want a simple scent or place to bring a smile to someone’s face and for them to think of me. I want to be yearned for and to give someone butterflies. I want to be supported. I want to be protected. I want to be encouraged. I want to make someone laugh and feel better about themselves when I’m around. I want to be a partner in the biggest philosophical pilgrimage that could bring ultimate joy to a person’s life. I want my life to matter. I want my last breath to matter. I want my passing to break someone’s heart and yet give them strength to keep moving forward. I want my actions to swaddle and caress, not burn and torment. I want someone to care. I want to not settle on not becoming the most important person in someone’s life. I want to feel safe. I want to matter.

 

So, why do I matter?

 

Divorce

I don’t hate you…
I just hate they way you gave up on us and the way you gave up on yourself.
I hate how I was ignored and underappreciated and how even now, it really is no different except I don’t live with you.
I hate that you need to be intoxicated to feel or express yourself.

I hate that you’re a zombie.
I hate that you clearly saw the effect you had over me; the toxicity claiming me and did nothing.
I hate that my soul had died, and I felt like I was withering away and you still did nothing.
I hate that you lied to me and yourself.
I hate that I wasn’t enough.
I hate the fact I am broken because of you and I have to relearn how to live.

I hate the fact that there wasn’t even another woman involved because then at least I could have understood.
I hate how worthless I felt with you.
I hate how now friends and family are fading from my life because I chose to leave you to better myself.
I hate that in choosing to live, everything around me dies.
I hate the fact I don’t miss you anymore but resent you.

I don’t hate you…I just hate the piece of me you destroyed and I can never get back.

Music To Get Over A Migraine…

 

Isn’t it more interesting to be unwritten and not know which direction your life is going in? Predictability; that is where we grow bored and solemn. Still, here I am staring at one of the many tabs on my browser and the one I should be focusing on is blank. Sheer white, blinding and making the pain in the base of my neck worse. It’s no better than the nightmares that indeed are reality played out; my subconscious calling me out on my denial.

Perhaps denial is the wrong word. Maybe, it is just hope that it’s not too late to change things. When does one draw the line though? Do we only say we believe it’s never too late in the beautiful aspects of peace and love when we so desperately cling to hold on? When does one run out of chances? How do we tell ourselves the pain of change will be better than the pain of falling deeper into our rut?

When do we live for today and not for what the past has taken away?

Reaching…for that something in the distance but will my fingers ever grasp it? Perhaps, maybe, or not at all, but I still love the hope that shines from these lyrics because no matter how far we fall into our rut, the rest is still unwritten.

 

 

This one has always been a favorite and this rendition’s haunting beauty lingers at the tip of my tongue and swims in the silence between my thoughts. I keep pondering one of my characters I write often with my bestie/wifey and I can’t get a scene out of my  head. I wish I could film it instead of writing it out in story though because the imagery from her powers of illusion and flashbacks from her past make for a powerful yet dark vision. Words would not be needed. Perhaps I can try…But I can’t post it until I do so in our story. To Be continued…

 

 

 

Pursuit of Happiness…

Today, like most days when I’m procrastinating from the world, I was lurking through my facebook feed. This feed, besides posts from friends, consists of shared articles of real world struggles from human to animal. I keep connected to rock bands I favor, share music that speaks to me each day, find and share quotes that remind me of my own life or a fictional character’s that can sometimes inspire, and anything and everything that can put a smile on my face. I’m not up for publishing what I ate for breakfast or whine like a little bitch to people who don’t give a fuck about my menstrual pains or why I hated school as a child. I don’t force my thoughts on people, but choose to share it with either those who matter, like Wifey and few other close friends, and my husband when he’s not mesmerized by his PS4. Here, people choose to read about my random bouts of insanity and perhaps laugh and judge me to the harshest level imaginable or perhaps release a sigh of relief in knowing they are not alone. If some are lucky they may even find something entertaining here.

But, I’m off track now. So…scrolling through facebook feed. I came across Kevin Smith’s and it wasn’t anything I expected. It wasn’t an actor/director/writer pushing his next movie or even sharing an article that hit close to home like Ashton Kutcher does. I can’t help it, I love that guy. He is involved in some wonderful things in the fight to keep our humanity, people don’t even realize. Such as human trafficking and slavery, which is more aggressive and prominent now than it was in the USA back before the Civil War. Here, is a group who Mr. Kutcher is apart of, doing his in the fight against something many probably ignore in order to keep going on in their 9-5 lives in order to make money and pay for the home they barely have time to enjoy because they work 6 days a week. Again, getting off track.

Kevin Smith. Posted this:

I’M NOT HAPPY…

I’ve been around 44 years now, and I’ve been a round boy for most of those years as well. I always imagined thinner people were happier than me – but after losing 80 pounds, I can’t say that I’m any happier than I was as a fat-ass. I’m not complaining, mind you: I just imagined I’d feel differently. I imagined I’d know a different kind of happiness than I’d never known before. Instead, I wound up learning what I consider to be the Secret of Happiness.

As an American, I was raised to believe I was entitled to 100% happiness, all day every day, until I died. But in our Declaration of Independence, we’re granted only the PURSUIT of happiness –
not actual happiness. The founders of this country were smart not to promise the tired, the poor and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free too much of a good thing.

The good news is that the pursuit of happiness is way better than being happy any day. The irony is that actual happiness blasts us across our faces, necks and chests all the time – but we’re so busy chasing the elusive notion of what happiness is to us at that moment, we tend to overlook the authentic bliss we create for ourselves and others in the process of simply trying to be happy. And by the time we realize these were, in fact, moments of happiness, it’s too late: those moments are now memories.

Happiness can’t be bottled. It can’t be smoked, swallowed, shot or ejaculated. And there is no end game: you never cross the finish line and are suddenly happy. Even when all your wildest dreams come true, you still pursue happiness.

Thankfully, human beings are at their happiest when they feel they’re at their most productive. So the only real happiness is the pursuit of happiness. When we chase happy, we feel our best. Life is about the journey, not the destination – so while the idea of happiness sounds great, it’s actually the pursuit of happiness that provides the most contentment. And in that pursuit, we are ultimately at our happiest.

Forgive my stoner ramblings and sorry for stating the obvious. But sometimes, you just wanna remind people they’ve already won.

I just like this adorable version of this song and it so happened to come up in my playlist as I was rereading Kevin’s above rant. Maybe it’s just me, but I found it fitting.

Original Version by Ten Years is Here.

*CHEERS FOR KEVIN*

So very true, Kevin. This hit very close to home for me and I needed to share.

People ARE happiest when pursuing their goal and maybe for a time they are happy when meeting that goal. More often than not, then they grow board and need something else to go after in order to ‘feel happy.’  Examples of this can be found in careers, life and love especially. How many times have we heard that story of the man or woman who pursued a significant other and found it tantalizing because of the ‘thrill of the chase’ and once ‘conquered’ they moved on to their next challenge? Perhaps it’s not happiness but adrenaline or the endorphins they are addicted to?

Utopian societies just don’t exist and will never. Human emotions and instincts are too complicated and intertwined. Human’s are animals after all and where there is generosity there are those ready to exploit it. Many could argue overpopulation contributes to this increase of negativity and violence and many studies exist out there in regards to how overpopulation contributes to a significant increase in the existence of serial killers. I’ve read the books where studies with mice show that smaller numbers are ideal. They care for each other, protect and nourish but that is until too many are introduced into the mix. Then the mice resort to rape, cannibalism, and murder.  It’s not even that they were fighting over food or their lady mice. It wasn’t making sense, except that when we go back to humans as the main focus and not mice, the same thing occurs. And why? People find twisted forms of happiness at harming others. It’s control. It’s beneficial to the predator in some creepy inner workings of their mind. Increase of media and public access to sex and violence gives people more windows to fulfill their fantasies with the “Idiot’s Guide to Getting Away With Murder.”

So, never at some point will it be possible to make the entire world happy. It can be argued that it is due to selfish desires of power and then we fall into a discussion of war and what it is good for. (Absolutely nothing.) Am I the only one who broke out into song? Ehem.

But realistically, not everyone wants the same thing. They may say they do, such as to have money, a career, a loving family, and to never have to worry about being murdered in the street because they looked at someone the wrong way.

Sometimes one’s goals are a fantasy to happiness that leads them astray. All that we need..is often too close to be seen.

 

 

Writers Everywhere…Camila This Is For You.

writing

I’m pretty sure I read something similar to this list before on Camila’s blog, but I can’t recall where. She’ll find it if it bugs her enough. Details are her weakness. She MUST know! 

1) So you’re still writing your little book/poem/etc?

Yes. It’s a HELL of a lot more interesting than looking at your face! Ehem, I mean… >.> Writing is stressful but also stress relieving. It helps channel our minds into a more productive and beneficial way so we don’t go homicidal. Or the fact that fantasy is just more interesting some days than reality.  Seriously. O.k, only sometimes. Truth is if we are still working on something for more than a week, chances are it has blossomed and become our baby, therefore we will work tediously night and day (mostly at night when it’s quiet) to help it grow. Not to mention we become perfectionists. So two years later if I’m STILL working on a rewrite, buzz off. 

2) Must be nice not having a real job.

Speaking for myself, I have a ‘day job.’ For those of you who have extra time (if they like it or not) to work on their book, kudos! Guess what, people who say the above are just jealous. I am not saying that as a comeback to make you feel better because it is the God’s honest truth. People who say the above are working miserable day jobs that they refer to as ‘real jobs’ to pay the rent but they get nothing out of it besides that. Writing is something we enjoy as creative people and if we actually can bank a paycheck from it, you think we are ever going to go back to the customer service position of getting screamed at? The moment I get there, I will flip out on the next person who calls me names and quit triumphantly.

Heoric_Pose_by_TitanicGal1912

HEROIC POSE!

Even if not as successful as one would like, working at something you love is far better than living in eternal misery.

3) Writing doesn’t sound too difficult.

Oh no? Did you just pass kindergarten finger painting and come up with that conclusion all on your own? Bravo! English language in general is a nightmare. Maybe coming up with a story is easy for some but there’s consistencies you have to keep an eye on. I’d like to think those who are serious about the profession want things to make sense in whatever reality their story takes place in. Also, I know no one is perfect and typos happen but I would like to read a story that isn’t completely in emoticons, Ebonics, or some other ‘hip’ slang used by young adults and poorly educated individuals. One should not write as one speaks. These are instances where that is acceptable for text or chatting online only. ENGLISH PLEASE. (Or whatever language you speak, in it’s proper form)

4) I always thought I’d write a book after I retire, once I have some time to kill.

…And then one day you are hit by a bus and become a vegetable. It’s horrible, but the point is there. You may not live to retirement. Also, if you look at writing as ‘only’ a hobby, that’s fine but then you could start here and there, now. Why put off what you can do today for tomorrow if it really interests you?

5) Wait a second, creative writing degrees are a real thing?

If that is abnormal to you, then are these normal? There’s actually a school of wizardry. Hogwarts? Where do I sign up!? Apparently anything can become a scam-I mean college course to major or minor in. Honestly I didn’t realize there was a sex school. Mkaaay.

6) Have you been published yet?

As nice as that would be, that isn’t always our goal. However, if our goal is to make sure we get to share our story with people, there are other ways such as self publishing or pitching it as a screenplay. Personally I still want to do that when our RP is over, but there probably will be too many legal hoops to jump through, even though I got the other author’s o.k. in writing. 

7) Can I be a character in one of your stories?

Famous last words. That isn’t something you really should ask because you most likely won’t like it. Especially if we don’t like you, we may just express it as a brutal and agonizing, in-scene death. Or as one fellow writer wrote in the RP, “she might just stab you. Or light you on fire. Or poison you. Or tie you up in a tree upside down covered in honey for the bears.” -Mageria, taken from Shadows of the Forgotten

careful_or_youll_end_up_in_my_novel_tshirt

8) So I have this great idea I think you should be using in your book.

Bitch, please. Go write your own damn story. That is how I feel towards some, but then there are people who you talk with in regards to your story and may help you brainstorm, especially if you are feeling stuck. That’s not such a bad thing, but unless you are writing it with the person, it’s best not to start a conversation that way. We get defensive of our ‘babies.’

9) Aren’t writers just professional liars? They tell stories for a living after all/

I have not actually come across this before and I find it odd to be on this list. However I was a good liar as a child and became an expert at getting away with just about anything. But, hey, that is only because people were convinced I was lying all the time when I wasn’t so when I was actually, they believed I was telling the truth. Oh the drama of middle school/high school. Boo, hiss.

10) You’re writing a book? Tell me everything!

Two hours later you either have a doe-eyed fan demanding pages (like my friend Dori who asks me every time I see her, “Where are my pages!”) or they are praying for you to stop going on about your main character like it is your best friend. Isn’t that how we talk about our babies though; as if they are real life entities? Do we not get excited when they live or succeed and cry when they are hurt? Do we not hear them talking in our minds, their voices becoming to loud that we have to drop everything and get it down on paper before we forget? They have little personalities all their own that once they come into existence, all bets are off. They are not in our control per se, as many would like to believe. We can’t just NOT kill a character because it would depress us, unless it fits the story. If someone gets cut in half, there’s no coming back from that. (well I guess depends on the setting and rules. but most of the time there’s no coming back damn it) Just make sure there’s a body, right? 

xxoo ME