Find Your Meaning…
Find Your Meaning…
I don’t hate you…
I just hate they way you gave up on us and the way you gave up on yourself.
I hate how I was ignored and underappreciated and how even now, it really is no different except I don’t live with you.
I hate that you need to be intoxicated to feel or express yourself.
I hate that you’re a zombie.
I hate that you clearly saw the effect you had over me; the toxicity claiming me and did nothing.
I hate that my soul had died, and I felt like I was withering away and you still did nothing.
I hate that you lied to me and yourself.
I hate that I wasn’t enough.
I hate the fact I am broken because of you and I have to relearn how to live.
I hate the fact that there wasn’t even another woman involved because then at least I could have understood.
I hate how worthless I felt with you.
I hate how now friends and family are fading from my life because I chose to leave you to better myself.
I hate that in choosing to live, everything around me dies.
I hate the fact I don’t miss you anymore but resent you.
I don’t hate you…I just hate the piece of me you destroyed and I can never get back.
Okay, Wifey knows I can not resist.. So I’ll post what lead up to her above scene. Enjoy!
“What are you doing?” Ess chuckled, kneeling down beside Lily who was staring very intently at Puppy in a cold stone expression. She looked so serious and was silent as the grave as the large dog stared right back at her, his expression much more curious and adorable as his ears perked up at Ess’ approach. When Lily didn’t answer, Ess folded her hands in her lap and watched the two for quite some time. Ess felt like it had been forever and went to ask Lily again what she was up to, when the girl tilted her head back, her face stretching in a wide and noisy yawn. Essence quirked a brow, thinking that maybe the child had grown tired of this staring contest, absently stifling a yawn of her own. Puppy’s tail thumped happily over at Lily as he reflected her gesture and let out a soft whine, his jaws parting in a yawn of his own, tongue lolling out of his mouth. Lily broke her statue like pose and began giggling and tackled her fury protector in a massive hug, the dog covering the girl in kisses.
Ess snorted shaking her head. “Lily…what are you doing?” She smiled in amusement.
“Hi Miss Ess! I was trying an spearmint..” Lily giggled, when Ess’ expression when dumbfounded.
“ A what?”
“A spearmint! Jason said that he read that animals and people…who are good…sense someone is good and you can tell this by if yawning and seeing if that animal or person does it too.” Lily lifted her head proudly as if she were giving a lesson on morality.
“OOooh…an experiment.” Ess laughed and nodded, tapping her chin thoughtfully as she listened to Lily’s explanation.
“Dat’s what I said, Miss Ess. An exspearmint. And it worked. Puppy yawned when I did.”
Ess fell silent for a few moments, watching the girl lovingly play with the Wolfhound. Thinking over the girl’s words, she began to understand what she was doing, a warm smile touching her eyes as she quietly appreciated the girl’s intelligence. Lily had a pretty good understanding of what Jason had explained to her, but Ess was familiar with what the boy had read and knew it was still quite a bit over the young girl’s head.
“It’s to tell..if someone has Empathy, Miss Lily. Do you know what Empathy is?” Ess sang softly, reaching over to ruffle up Puppy’s fur. Lily looked up at Essence and tilted her head in curiosity, staying silent to politely wait for the woman to finish.
“Um..well basically it’s..for example…Let’s pretend you fell and hurt your leg and I found you. I would feel bad and sad that you hurt yourself and want to help you. Your pain I don’t really feel, because I’m not hurt, but I see you’re in pain and I want to help it go away.I would want to take care of you.” Ess reached over and lifted the girl onto her lap as she spoke, running her fingers through her hair to separate and braid the loose strands.
“So…it’s wanting to help people?” Lily asked, quietly settling into Ess’ lap.
“Sometimes. It’s understanding what someone else feels, even if you don’t feel it. Sometimes you do feel it too.” Ess snorted, shaking her head when Lily looked back at her a bit confused. “Ok..what if Puppy didn’t yawn back, what did Jason say that would have meant?”
Lily was thoughtfully quiet as Ess twisted six small braids; three on each side of Lily’s head, uniting them at the base of her neck where she began braiding those together into a much larger design. When Ess was finished, that was when Lily seemed to come to an answer.
“I think…it would mean that Puppy was bad. I think if someone didn’t care about me then they’d be mean. I’m a good girl and I like making people stuff and helping Jason and the other kids and Maga. I was sad that day your hands hurt Miss Ess and you couldn’t eat..so I helped. So..I have mapthy..”
“Empathy..” Ess corrected, brushing a few hairs from her eyes. “..Yes…you do. and you’re right…those who don’t..can be very mean..”
“You have empathy too then.” Lily smiled.
Essence giggled. “Why don’t you go find out if Mr Luckas does too? Go play your game with him…but don’t tell him why until after, ok?”
“Ok!” Lily jumped up with a small burst of energy and went to run off to find Luckas. “Miss Ess?” Lily paused in step and looked over at Essence with what could only be recognized as confidence. “…You know what?”
“What is it, Lily?”
“Mr. Luckas has to have empathy because he’s never mean to me.”
“Is that so? Well, you sure it’s not because he knows he’d get his butt whooped by a camp full of guardsmen and women if he were to be mean to you?”
Lily laughed, clapping a bit in amusement. “Maybe..but I don’t think so..”
There is a bit of a history to the scene I’m going to post below and to those of you who are reading, or participating in, SOF it may actually be posted there in the future although. Read at your own risk, although it contains no plot relevant anythings and it’s just something I wrote for cuteness sake. The history I spoke of, well… I’ll tell you guys about it in the end. 😉
Luckas sighed, holding back a laugh. They had been doing this for a while now; Lily followed him around for a bit then stood in front of him, stared for a few seconds, and then yawned vigorously. After some time of making the girl chase him down for this; with no explanation as to why whatsoever, Luckas finally stopped trying to get away and just sat down by the oak, compliant, watching as she stared…
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I’m pretty sure I read something similar to this list before on Camila’s blog, but I can’t recall where. She’ll find it if it bugs her enough. Details are her weakness. She MUST know!
1) So you’re still writing your little book/poem/etc?
Yes. It’s a HELL of a lot more interesting than looking at your face! Ehem, I mean… >.> Writing is stressful but also stress relieving. It helps channel our minds into a more productive and beneficial way so we don’t go homicidal. Or the fact that fantasy is just more interesting some days than reality. Seriously. O.k, only sometimes. Truth is if we are still working on something for more than a week, chances are it has blossomed and become our baby, therefore we will work tediously night and day (mostly at night when it’s quiet) to help it grow. Not to mention we become perfectionists. So two years later if I’m STILL working on a rewrite, buzz off.
2) Must be nice not having a real job.
Speaking for myself, I have a ‘day job.’ For those of you who have extra time (if they like it or not) to work on their book, kudos! Guess what, people who say the above are just jealous. I am not saying that as a comeback to make you feel better because it is the God’s honest truth. People who say the above are working miserable day jobs that they refer to as ‘real jobs’ to pay the rent but they get nothing out of it besides that. Writing is something we enjoy as creative people and if we actually can bank a paycheck from it, you think we are ever going to go back to the customer service position of getting screamed at? The moment I get there, I will flip out on the next person who calls me names and quit triumphantly.
Even if not as successful as one would like, working at something you love is far better than living in eternal misery.
3) Writing doesn’t sound too difficult.
Oh no? Did you just pass kindergarten finger painting and come up with that conclusion all on your own? Bravo! English language in general is a nightmare. Maybe coming up with a story is easy for some but there’s consistencies you have to keep an eye on. I’d like to think those who are serious about the profession want things to make sense in whatever reality their story takes place in. Also, I know no one is perfect and typos happen but I would like to read a story that isn’t completely in emoticons, Ebonics, or some other ‘hip’ slang used by young adults and poorly educated individuals. One should not write as one speaks. These are instances where that is acceptable for text or chatting online only. ENGLISH PLEASE. (Or whatever language you speak, in it’s proper form)
4) I always thought I’d write a book after I retire, once I have some time to kill.
…And then one day you are hit by a bus and become a vegetable. It’s horrible, but the point is there. You may not live to retirement. Also, if you look at writing as ‘only’ a hobby, that’s fine but then you could start here and there, now. Why put off what you can do today for tomorrow if it really interests you?
5) Wait a second, creative writing degrees are a real thing?
If that is abnormal to you, then are these normal? There’s actually a school of wizardry. Hogwarts? Where do I sign up!? Apparently anything can become a scam-I mean college course to major or minor in. Honestly I didn’t realize there was a sex school. Mkaaay.
6) Have you been published yet?
As nice as that would be, that isn’t always our goal. However, if our goal is to make sure we get to share our story with people, there are other ways such as self publishing or pitching it as a screenplay. Personally I still want to do that when our RP is over, but there probably will be too many legal hoops to jump through, even though I got the other author’s o.k. in writing.
7) Can I be a character in one of your stories?
Famous last words. That isn’t something you really should ask because you most likely won’t like it. Especially if we don’t like you, we may just express it as a brutal and agonizing, in-scene death. Or as one fellow writer wrote in the RP, “she might just stab you. Or light you on fire. Or poison you. Or tie you up in a tree upside down covered in honey for the bears.” -Mageria, taken from Shadows of the Forgotten
8) So I have this great idea I think you should be using in your book.
Bitch, please. Go write your own damn story. That is how I feel towards some, but then there are people who you talk with in regards to your story and may help you brainstorm, especially if you are feeling stuck. That’s not such a bad thing, but unless you are writing it with the person, it’s best not to start a conversation that way. We get defensive of our ‘babies.’
9) Aren’t writers just professional liars? They tell stories for a living after all/
I have not actually come across this before and I find it odd to be on this list. However I was a good liar as a child and became an expert at getting away with just about anything. But, hey, that is only because people were convinced I was lying all the time when I wasn’t so when I was actually, they believed I was telling the truth. Oh the drama of middle school/high school. Boo, hiss.
10) You’re writing a book? Tell me everything!
Two hours later you either have a doe-eyed fan demanding pages (like my friend Dori who asks me every time I see her, “Where are my pages!”) or they are praying for you to stop going on about your main character like it is your best friend. Isn’t that how we talk about our babies though; as if they are real life entities? Do we not get excited when they live or succeed and cry when they are hurt? Do we not hear them talking in our minds, their voices becoming to loud that we have to drop everything and get it down on paper before we forget? They have little personalities all their own that once they come into existence, all bets are off. They are not in our control per se, as many would like to believe. We can’t just NOT kill a character because it would depress us, unless it fits the story. If someone gets cut in half, there’s no coming back from that. (well I guess depends on the setting and rules. but most of the time there’s no coming back damn it) Just make sure there’s a body, right?
This has been viral around the net for some time now, but each time someone posts it on Facebook or it pops up somewhere random, I ALWAYS listen. We need more moments like these in this world. Through writing, music, or even silence, more people need to focus on the beauty of life and not drown in the negativity.
*Takes out pad of paper and pen, absently glancing at the clock.* Nice to see you again. Now that our session has begun, tell me what you see there? Is half the world just dirty and undignified or were the employees really that blind or uncaring to what this toy resembles? Seriously?! Seriously…
Here’s a thought as well. Aren’t the boxes depicted with images of what is INSIDE the box?
Hey! EVERYONE makes the reference, and it was MY TURN damn it. >.> (If you don’t know the reference…walk away…just walk away…AND GO SEE SEVEN. Warning, many things in that movie are considered disturbing and twisted. ENJOY!)
Where was I? Oh yes. Parents who complained about Play-doh and what was inside that box, should have taken the time to actually look at it and I’m sure it could be seen what was included. Like most of the population, no one reads what they are signing or the directions, or warning labels and then proceed to sue everyone who has pissed them off. God Bless America. Pfft. (My understanding is there are no lawsuits…yet.)
Thoughts? Personally I think the employees at Play-doh knew better but just wanted to point and laugh. I mean, really. The person who thought that would be a safe and fun toy for children must have been on drugs. And THAT is me being nice.
By the way, here’s the article.
I keep staring at the world ‘Normalcy’ and think that my brain may be starting to make up words but nope; it’s a real word. Thank god. Anywho…
Admit it. You have done this at some point of your life. Some of you may even have had accomplices who dragged you around in it as if it were a vehicle. I’m not just talking as a kid either…I’m talking.. more like, last week or when you and your friends couldn’t get high and were so bored you reverted to silliness that made people still question whether you were on drugs or not. Those moments are always the best, aren’t they? ^.^
I just recently came back from a Walmart adventure for the sole purpose of getting storage bins where I could fit inside of them. Well, that wasn’t the only reason. I had to organize the EVIL corner of my living room that was scattered with my wood burning crafts. Who would have thought there would still be an actual table beneath all that shit. O.O
Am I the only one though who gets excited at the idea of purchasing an overly large bin that is big enough to house a human body in acid? Breaking Bad anyone? If you don’t know the reference at the very least, if not the show, then crawl out from under that rock and smash it with a hammer so you don’t disappear back under it EVER AGAIN. I need to finish watching that show now…Laterz.
Something like this needs to be shared with as many people as possible. To all those out there who have suffered with depression at one time or another in their lives who have heard this same thing said to you but it fell on deaf ears, it was just not sinking in, or you were in denial because you were so much pain that it numbed you from the inside out; maybe this will reach you. It helps sometimes to hear it from someone who has hit rock bottom and come back, not just surviving but excelling in their own expectations. From all the messages I have seen, this one got to me the most; this one pulled on my heart strings.
To those of you who don’t understand depression and cast cruel judgement onto your fellow man; maybe this will open your eyes. That homeless person, humbled and begging for food on the corner is not worthless and they are not a loser; they are lost. Any one of us, in this world today, could end up there if caught without someone to back you or simply down on their luck. Who knows, if they are given a chance, you may one day become their biggest fan. They may be the next Corey Taylor or at the very least your new best friend. Don’t dismiss what you refuse to understand.
His poetry amuses me and speaks about the darkness within humanity; that battle within.
My soul is not contained within the limits of my body, my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.
I found this youtube feed from a link to Alan Watts. Those of you not familiar with him, essentially he gives philosophical and emotional speeches to inspire, motivate, and get the mind working. The page I go to is ‘theJourneyofPurpose.‘ For myself, I love anything that makes me contemplate life from it’s minor simplistic view of reality and illusion to the most intricate moments of our lives. To me, it is awe inspiring and beautiful. It reminds me of that moment when I first saw the night sky not polluted by all the city lights, way up in the woods on a snowy, winter’s night. I wanted to count every star because I felt I had witnessed it all while at the same time feeling so small in the scheme of things. The universe can be thought of as infinite and thus limitless just as Mr. Carrey is stating here in comparison with the human soul. Who knew his artistic passions surpassed those ‘smoke and mirrors’ into a real human being. Breathtaking to know real people exist in a world that is so often seen as dark and broken. Life really does come down to the little things we encounter on a day to day basis because if everyone took a moment to smile at a stranger or give to someone in need; true acts of selflessness, then the whole and unity of our planet would be all for the better. There are no limits except those we implement as a prison within ourselves.
Within each of us, there is a silence, a silence as vast as the universe. And when we experience that silence, we remember who we are. ~Gunilla Norris~
Some of the most meaningful acts between two people can be interpreted through their silence. How many people out there, take the time to look beyond the mask many of us put on for the world? That mask that was slowly molded into existence as a child by our peers and family, even if unintentionally; sometimes it will never come off and sometimes it will shatter. We all judge one another just as much as we judge ourselves, even if we don’t like to admit it, because of how others may have perceived us and thus perceive the world. What is considered beautiful or ugly? Right or wrong? In the end, it all comes down to the notion if we can live another day to look at ourselves in the mirror. Are you happy with what you see or do you cringe and shy away from that reflective glass, dreading your reality? Music does the same thing for me as silence because it gives me moments to myself to reflect without the noise of society breathing down my neck and I firmly believe it is important for everyone to be able to be comfortable with solitude. Moments of peace and chaos. Those who can not stand it, seem to, at most times, be the ones who are not comfortable with themselves. Which leads us to the next quote..
There is no reality except the one contained within us.. ~Hermann Hesse~
Love Or Fear? Timeless question to which many debate between the matter that we have a choice or that we don’t. I think it goes both ways. Upon my back I have a rose aflame, tattooed with those words, “Love or Fear.” It is a huge part of me and I feel a huge part of humanity. What drives us if not stemming from those two major factors? Do we choose to proceed with the cards we have been dealt; to play or to fold? To grow or to burn? Is it all in our minds what we love or fear or are some things simply out of our control when it comes to emotions? It is no easy feat to take hold of our spirit and rein it in so that our minds can be at peace with our hearts. Perhaps therein lies the problem and maybe we should just let our souls run free.
What is holding me back in pursuing my dreams? Money, time? What is holding you back? If we are honest with ourselves, it is us drowning ourselves in that sea of doubt and giving birth to excuses. We are all guilty of this, myself included. It is no easy feat, but perhaps it isn’t the end result that is most important, but the journey itself. Prioritize, reflect, focus and yet let your mind go and be open to the beautiful possibilities this world is capable of. Have faith in yourselves, embrace your fears (which may never disappear), and choose love.
If you want to be a hero well just follow me
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