Let’s Play a Game…

So we all know how something cute and seemingly innocent can be what we think we’ll find when searching for a  particular topic or item. Somehow, Google Images throws in a curve ball every once in a while, yes? Well…I did this a little bit ago; like perhaps a week or less. Someone on Facebook had a cute snow leopard posted for some reason I can’t recall. I fell in love with it so much that I searched the term. I know that getting lost in Google Images sometimes…just happens, but I must say I did not get a stray result from my search preferences. This:

….This is one of my favorites that stood out, as well as:

…I don’t care if stuff is not ALL real and was photo shopped or altered in some manner. It’s art and it’s life and it’s…beautiful. Too many times that is under appreciated. Anywho..

As a silly game, because I truthfully may have been a tad bit bored…(kind of a risky game >.>), I asked a friend randomly, out of the blue after some silence…“Name the first thing that comes to your head.” Love it how they answer THEN ask questions. ^.^ So I Google, Chocolate. Surprisingly, I only found one or two slightly disturbing things. I warned you.

Hey, I think this is pretty, freaking, sweet. Artsy, maybe slightly creepy, maybe slightly thrilling, or perhaps all of the above. Definitely makes me think of an invisible person; Jakey, being revealed. *coughs coughs* At Shadows Of The Forgotten at roleplaygateway.com. >.>

There’s the expected scandalous or risque photos.

And the naked woman drenched in chocolate..doesn’t really need to be posted.

Ok, this one I found…DEFINITELY CREEPY.

o.o You were warned.

Yes, you saw that right. Chocolate Baby Heads. WHY? So..maybe I just never sat down and thought about eating a fetus or a small child. Aren’t chocolate bunnies, enough? The horror! I am curious to know if there are chocolate brains. It’s the inner zombie…I’m sorry. <.< Yes I’m a Walking Dead fanatic. Anywho. Google Images should have a warning label. *smiles* Maybe that’s what child codes and passwords/settings are in place..at least by those who pay attention. *nods*

 

Sweet Dreams and Happy Easter…soon…ish.

Who remembers this guy?  ^.^ Whoa..

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Tears Don’t Fall..

I can’t do it. I can not just pick one line of a song and go from there. I’ve been staring at the lyrics for this song, for example and I really can’t just pick even one verse. If you haven’t heard this song, I recommend listening to it once through and then continue from this point. So, listening to these lyrics, most of us can relate to this song in some manner at least at some point in our lives, yes? Let’s break it down for myself.

“Ten thousand times
I’ve tried, I’ve tried to call you 
I know you wanna talk
I need to show you how I hurt”

Talking calmly to screaming at the top of my lungs and it made no difference; there was no getting through to him. He’d only respond with violence or hateful words to break me down in some twisted defense that absolutely made no sense except that: Misery Loves Company. He was never done hurting me, and it didn’t matter most days if there was malicious intent or not.

“So answer me,
Talk to me,
So answer me,
Where’s your sympathy?”

I would cry myself to sleep every night at one point just so he could yell at me and scold me for crying. Selfish people only sympathize for themselves and he only felt remorse when it was evidently clear that he had been caught cheating. ‘So what? Most men cheat.’ I’ve had people say to me. O.K., even though I don’t agree with this, and  my experience does coincide with this statement, lets just say for argument’s sake in this scenario that everyone did cheat. Fine. I don’t. I didn’t. I haven’t and I won’t. It wasn’t that simple though and it never is. That person can’t say to you, “I don’t love you, I don’t want you, I’m leaving, etc”, No. In my case it started with an intimate encounter with my current boyfriend at the time that had an accidental mishap where I ended up in the hospital and was not allowed to engaged in certain intimacies until I healed. During this time, he cheated because I couldn’t have sex, while I painfully healed. I found out, it happened around my birthday and probably on it, since it would occur with a co worker while I was working, at my house. I found out because he accidentally texted her instead of me. We’ll leave it at that and his violent awakening to knives embedded into the wall. I was a bit..emotionally unstable then. Maybe if he hadn’t continued to try to lie about it I could have broken free and it wouldn’t have carried on for another year. Maybe I wouldn’t have been stuck in the same apartment. Maybe I wouldn’t have resorted to cutting and attempting suicide because I was alone and stuck in an emotionally and verbally abusive situation and was made to be afraid.

“You pour your salt into my wounds
And make me feel like I’m to blame
You pour your salt into my wounds
I won’t play your game”

I was always made to feel like the one to blame and eventually it was blatantly obvious that he thought it was only right of him to be able to run around on me but I had to remain loyal to him. After that, I became vengeful and much like a trickster. I would use him as he had used me, except that he liked it and didn’t catch on for months. He was just a friend with benefits. I no longer was trapped living with him and I was free to have my own life and soon things did become calmer and he discovered how much he did feel he needed or wanted me because I no longer needed or wanted him. Funny how that happens.

“Obsession, rejection
Your final breath is my possession
Obsession, rejection
Your final breath is now my possession”

I can’t take this verse how I’d like to. In my mind I am conflicted with the theme I’ve been going with so far in comparing this to a time in my life, to now a reminder of a fictional character from a story I have the honor of being apart of. I’ll stay on track though. The literal sense of this verse makes me think of a person’s last breath before their death, their final moment as something, someone would want to possess or control..if they were…lets say somewhat psychotic  or homicidal. Since I don’t consider myself either, just that occasionally my temper can spiral out of control, I look at this as any contact I had with my ex-boyfriend was always in my control. Every touch, every decision. It felt like, in some moments, metaphorically, if he was allowed to breath, was under my control or something I possessed. I could have hurt him terribly. I could have made him suffer as I had suffered, but I never went that far. When it came down to it, I just wasn’t and I’m not a malicious person.

“Ten thousand times
I’ve tried, I’ve tried to hate you
Forget your pretty little lies
It’s time for me to make you hurt”

In the end though, maybe he did hurt because he couldn’t have what he realized he had lost. It was too late for him; for us. The best revenge was him blowing up my phone, going through my car, and showing up at my (then ex-boyfriend’s house/now my husband) and calling me a whore and I just laughed and didn’t respond to his taunts. He proceeded to insult me and claim I was giving all the men inside the home oral sex when we were all watching a movie having a few beers, if I recall correctly. Meanwhile, one of my good friends, Chris, was outside taking a piss in a bush…men…*shakes head*…and it was quite comical for him to randomly come out of the foliage as the asshole sped off in a huff and my friend was all wide eyed ready to defend my honor. I have since nick  named him PitBull because he is loyal and…well he drove through town barking at my ex when he passed him at a gas station. Immature, yes, but extremely Hilarious.

Most of the song is repetitious now in verses and chorus but all in all, I don’t hear this song and become depressed. I am not sickened or disheartened, but instead enthralled and inspired. Most rock/metal songs that are essentially depressing or messed up, do that for me. It makes me think of the good that actually is still in this world, even if hard to find sometimes. It reminds me of how far I’ve come , where I am now, and where I can still go.

Tears don’t fall, they crash around me..

I feel all emotions with such intensity, that I don’t just tear up, I find myself sobbing because I’m usually so overwhelmed by what I feel. I feel every sorrow, every bit of grief or joy to it’s fullest. I experience everything I encounter in life as much as I can and laugh until my stomach aches and tears have stained my cheeks. When I love, I fall hard. When I hate or get angry, I want to put holes in walls. I control much of it a heck of a lot better than I did when I was a teenager so that my emotions don’t control me, but it’s still a battle. I hear these last words and I close my eyes to envision myself stuck in a downpour; a thunderstorm. It has been a long time since I have witnessed a good storm; one of my favorite things in life. Pressure builds only to explode in a  powerful force, releasing all at once. Afterwards, when there are no more tears, not a single drop of rain left to fall from the sky, the sun comes out and it’s like the earth breathes a sigh of relief; much similar to how I feel after a good cry. Sometimes..that’s all one needs. It’s most definitely healthier than holding someone’s head under water…or setting fire to something…although fire is pretty, bonfires in a controlled environment are just as constructive. ^.^