Why Do We Fall?


Find Your Meaning…


Pursuit of Happiness…

Today, like most days when I’m procrastinating from the world, I was lurking through my facebook feed. This feed, besides posts from friends, consists of shared articles of real world struggles from human to animal. I keep connected to rock bands I favor, share music that speaks to me each day, find and share quotes that remind me of my own life or a fictional character’s that can sometimes inspire, and anything and everything that can put a smile on my face. I’m not up for publishing what I ate for breakfast or whine like a little bitch to people who don’t give a fuck about my menstrual pains or why I hated school as a child. I don’t force my thoughts on people, but choose to share it with either those who matter, like Wifey and few other close friends, and my husband when he’s not mesmerized by his PS4. Here, people choose to read about my random bouts of insanity and perhaps laugh and judge me to the harshest level imaginable or perhaps release a sigh of relief in knowing they are not alone. If some are lucky they may even find something entertaining here.

But, I’m off track now. So…scrolling through facebook feed. I came across Kevin Smith’s and it wasn’t anything I expected. It wasn’t an actor/director/writer pushing his next movie or even sharing an article that hit close to home like Ashton Kutcher does. I can’t help it, I love that guy. He is involved in some wonderful things in the fight to keep our humanity, people don’t even realize. Such as human trafficking and slavery, which is more aggressive and prominent now than it was in the USA back before the Civil War. Here, is a group who Mr. Kutcher is apart of, doing his in the fight against something many probably ignore in order to keep going on in their 9-5 lives in order to make money and pay for the home they barely have time to enjoy because they work 6 days a week. Again, getting off track.

Kevin Smith. Posted this:


I’ve been around 44 years now, and I’ve been a round boy for most of those years as well. I always imagined thinner people were happier than me – but after losing 80 pounds, I can’t say that I’m any happier than I was as a fat-ass. I’m not complaining, mind you: I just imagined I’d feel differently. I imagined I’d know a different kind of happiness than I’d never known before. Instead, I wound up learning what I consider to be the Secret of Happiness.

As an American, I was raised to believe I was entitled to 100% happiness, all day every day, until I died. But in our Declaration of Independence, we’re granted only the PURSUIT of happiness –
not actual happiness. The founders of this country were smart not to promise the tired, the poor and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free too much of a good thing.

The good news is that the pursuit of happiness is way better than being happy any day. The irony is that actual happiness blasts us across our faces, necks and chests all the time – but we’re so busy chasing the elusive notion of what happiness is to us at that moment, we tend to overlook the authentic bliss we create for ourselves and others in the process of simply trying to be happy. And by the time we realize these were, in fact, moments of happiness, it’s too late: those moments are now memories.

Happiness can’t be bottled. It can’t be smoked, swallowed, shot or ejaculated. And there is no end game: you never cross the finish line and are suddenly happy. Even when all your wildest dreams come true, you still pursue happiness.

Thankfully, human beings are at their happiest when they feel they’re at their most productive. So the only real happiness is the pursuit of happiness. When we chase happy, we feel our best. Life is about the journey, not the destination – so while the idea of happiness sounds great, it’s actually the pursuit of happiness that provides the most contentment. And in that pursuit, we are ultimately at our happiest.

Forgive my stoner ramblings and sorry for stating the obvious. But sometimes, you just wanna remind people they’ve already won.

I just like this adorable version of this song and it so happened to come up in my playlist as I was rereading Kevin’s above rant. Maybe it’s just me, but I found it fitting.

Original Version by Ten Years is Here.


So very true, Kevin. This hit very close to home for me and I needed to share.

People ARE happiest when pursuing their goal and maybe for a time they are happy when meeting that goal. More often than not, then they grow board and need something else to go after in order to ‘feel happy.’  Examples of this can be found in careers, life and love especially. How many times have we heard that story of the man or woman who pursued a significant other and found it tantalizing because of the ‘thrill of the chase’ and once ‘conquered’ they moved on to their next challenge? Perhaps it’s not happiness but adrenaline or the endorphins they are addicted to?

Utopian societies just don’t exist and will never. Human emotions and instincts are too complicated and intertwined. Human’s are animals after all and where there is generosity there are those ready to exploit it. Many could argue overpopulation contributes to this increase of negativity and violence and many studies exist out there in regards to how overpopulation contributes to a significant increase in the existence of serial killers. I’ve read the books where studies with mice show that smaller numbers are ideal. They care for each other, protect and nourish but that is until too many are introduced into the mix. Then the mice resort to rape, cannibalism, and murder.  It’s not even that they were fighting over food or their lady mice. It wasn’t making sense, except that when we go back to humans as the main focus and not mice, the same thing occurs. And why? People find twisted forms of happiness at harming others. It’s control. It’s beneficial to the predator in some creepy inner workings of their mind. Increase of media and public access to sex and violence gives people more windows to fulfill their fantasies with the “Idiot’s Guide to Getting Away With Murder.”

So, never at some point will it be possible to make the entire world happy. It can be argued that it is due to selfish desires of power and then we fall into a discussion of war and what it is good for. (Absolutely nothing.) Am I the only one who broke out into song? Ehem.

But realistically, not everyone wants the same thing. They may say they do, such as to have money, a career, a loving family, and to never have to worry about being murdered in the street because they looked at someone the wrong way.

Sometimes one’s goals are a fantasy to happiness that leads them astray. All that we need..is often too close to be seen.



The Battle Within

Something like this needs to be shared with as many people as possible. To all those out there who have suffered with depression at one time or another  in their lives who have heard  this same thing said to you but it fell on deaf ears, it was just not sinking in, or you were in denial because you were so much pain that it numbed you from the inside out; maybe this will reach you. It helps sometimes to hear it from someone who has hit rock bottom and come back, not just surviving but excelling in their own expectations. From all the messages I have seen, this one got to me the most; this one pulled on my heart strings. 

To those of you who don’t understand depression and cast cruel judgement onto your fellow man; maybe this will open your eyes. That homeless person, humbled and begging for food on the corner is not worthless and they are not a loser; they are lost. Any one of us, in this world today, could end up there if caught without someone to back you or simply down on their luck. Who knows, if they are given a chance, you may one day become their biggest fan. They may be the next Corey Taylor or at the very least your new best friend. Don’t dismiss what you refuse to understand.

His poetry amuses me and speaks about the darkness within humanity; that battle within.

Wolves Are To Be Protected


I honestly have no words for how awesome and true this is. Please watch the entire video and support the protection of the wolf. They are not a blight to this world, humanity is. They don’t destroy, they bring balance. Please take the time to understand how wiping out a species is detrimental to our world. Genocide of any kind, is the plague that rots  our world from the inside out.

Customer Service: Apparently We Are Nazis

Let me just start out by adding a tiny disclaimer for any trolls out there who want to insult me for comparing and using the term Nazis. Yes I understand we are not really Nazis but apparently there are psychopath people out there, who, no joke, treat us as if we have eradicated their family or performed genocide on a minority. I’m not exaggerating and this guy’s editorial of sorts, gets it right. So RIGHT! Please Read Matt Walsh’s Blog and if you haven’t already. at least read this.


So, the point I was making is, people really don’t have their priorities straight. I work in customer care and I deal with it on a daily basis. I am judged as an idiot because I don’t have a different job, as if I can not achieve a higher grade job. Also because people on the phones only hear a voice, they don’t associate that person on the other line as a person, so they can treat them however they want apparently and feel there should be no consequences. Well guess what, because of this job where I get death threats because there’s a scratch on someone’s chair, I probably get paid more than you for someone who does not have a college degree. I make more than minimum wage and have benefits, where most of my customer base may not and treat me like I’m a crack whore on welfare. I am not a druggie but hey, I had to live on food stamps for a while and I don’t knock it. Hard times are hard times, but the point I’m making is, I am not useless.

I have heard of police being called over complaints because customers can’t get their way and I’m not talking about even reasonable demands. I’m talking about things like someone had a mattress delivered over a year ago and finds out one day they have bed bugs, automatically blaming us because nothing else in this world could possible cause such a thing. Guess what? Bed bugs can latch onto you, animals, and are commonly found in hotels/motels and most people find infestations after travel and warm weather. Look it up. Shit happens, it doesn’t mean you’re a filthy person (although sometimes you are), it just means BUGS exist even when I wish at times they didn’t. Don’t threaten my intelligence, don’t threaten my life especially when I am the one with your name, address, phone number in front of me. Lets not even joke about other crazy stalkers in this world, I can simply contact the police with all your information. How stupid are you people? I take it, I bite my lip unless you threaten me and still I politely and sternly tell you to silence yourself and if you want my help you will treat me with respect if you want respect in return. Didn’t your mommy teach you that in elementary school?

Anyways, the blog above, the article, clearly depicts another customer’s observation on a crazy woman bitching and moaning about how there is ketchup on her burger that she did not want. O.k. Fine, but did you need to act like a complete crazy bitch? They were going to help you but apparently you found it necessary to berate someone and treat them like they are nothing when they probably have a higher IQ than you. Rule of thumb if you want your way, you can put up a fight but the moment you start being a malicious prick, is the moment we stop caring at Customer Care in any profession. Honest and simple. If you’re nice, we bend over backwards to help you and give you things maybe that is not completely in company policy. Who knows. But seriously, get your priorities straight and get a life. Whatever is going on in your world, stop taking it out on honest, hard working people. One day you may not be so lucky and get a disgruntled postal worker who takes you away form this world. It’s not a threat, it’s a fact. Crazy attracts crazy.

There will be those of you who ask, “Why doesn’t she change jobs?” Have you seen the job market, where more than half the jobs in this economy now have to do with customer service in one form or another. People are everywhere and it shouldn’t be assumed it’s just fast food or restaurant based. But if I ever saw someone treated poorly especially over food, I would not stay quiet. Have you seen this video? It’s real, true story. This woman went nuts because she couldn’t get her chicken nuggets while breakfast was still being served and attacked the workers. Pathetic. Was she on some serious drugs? I think so. She is facing charges for two assault charges and vandalism. Big surprise.

Life after Death

Why is it that I get the urge to talk to someone who has been out of my life for years? It wasn’t a friendship that casually faded or someone I simply lost touch with. No. It ended badly. I was told by this person that, essentially, he can get on with his life if he imagines that I am dead instead of alive and just void from any interaction with him. The choice was more painful than an act of nature. That was four years ago. So maybe, this is life after death? 

For all intents and purposes, it is best I don’t talk to this person. Even after all the anger, the violence, the hate; there was an undeniable attraction between us. One look would draw the other in, would make us weak in the knees, and could force us into each other’s arms. I could argue, because of the anger and betrayal, that what kept us together for so long, was that attraction. Maybe that was part of it, but it was also knowing it wasn’t always bad. There was a time, we did love one another. There was a time, things were good. It wasn’t a lie and it wasn’t faked. So, where did it go wrong? Blame aside on how it started, I let myself be hurt over and over because of how much I did love him and in turn hurt him back when I could. It sickens me because I put myself through it and yet, after all these years I find myself haunted by dreams of him. I remember when things were simple and easy. We could enjoy each other’s company and do nothing or just respond to the other’s physical desires. We knew what lingered in the other’s soul and he knew what sent shivers down my spine even in those first few moments. It was insane how much we fit and yet the passion only led to destruction.

I feel guilty. Guilty for thinking of him occasionally even after we are both with other people. Could it be I’m not happy and missing that attention and key attraction that I had with him? Possible I just want to feel desired again, and his desire was unmatched, even when it strayed. 

So, because it would be destructive to contact him directly, even if to wish him well, I will get it out here. To my Ex. I loved you and parts of me still do. I think of you and wish you well and do honestly hope you find happiness, because you have people around you that love you and want to see you do well. You are: intelligent, witty, corny, passionate, emotional, introverted, shy, assertive, and interesting even when you are boring. I wish I was enough because I know that now, you were and there are times, I admit, that I wished it had worked out for us. I will never be blessed to have someone like you in my life again but I know our passion was a fire that quickly burned us to ash. Be safe and stay strong. We can never be friends because one day we would give in to that fiery passion again. That’s not to sound conceded. That is just pointing out what was attempted before and I wish it could have been different, but it’s not.

Apart of you always,


Let’s Play a Game…

So we all know how something cute and seemingly innocent can be what we think we’ll find when searching for a  particular topic or item. Somehow, Google Images throws in a curve ball every once in a while, yes? Well…I did this a little bit ago; like perhaps a week or less. Someone on Facebook had a cute snow leopard posted for some reason I can’t recall. I fell in love with it so much that I searched the term. I know that getting lost in Google Images sometimes…just happens, but I must say I did not get a stray result from my search preferences. This:

….This is one of my favorites that stood out, as well as:

…I don’t care if stuff is not ALL real and was photo shopped or altered in some manner. It’s art and it’s life and it’s…beautiful. Too many times that is under appreciated. Anywho..

As a silly game, because I truthfully may have been a tad bit bored…(kind of a risky game >.>), I asked a friend randomly, out of the blue after some silence…“Name the first thing that comes to your head.” Love it how they answer THEN ask questions. ^.^ So I Google, Chocolate. Surprisingly, I only found one or two slightly disturbing things. I warned you.

Hey, I think this is pretty, freaking, sweet. Artsy, maybe slightly creepy, maybe slightly thrilling, or perhaps all of the above. Definitely makes me think of an invisible person; Jakey, being revealed. *coughs coughs* At Shadows Of The Forgotten at roleplaygateway.com. >.>

There’s the expected scandalous or risque photos.

And the naked woman drenched in chocolate..doesn’t really need to be posted.

Ok, this one I found…DEFINITELY CREEPY.

o.o You were warned.

Yes, you saw that right. Chocolate Baby Heads. WHY? So..maybe I just never sat down and thought about eating a fetus or a small child. Aren’t chocolate bunnies, enough? The horror! I am curious to know if there are chocolate brains. It’s the inner zombie…I’m sorry. <.< Yes I’m a Walking Dead fanatic. Anywho. Google Images should have a warning label. *smiles* Maybe that’s what child codes and passwords/settings are in place..at least by those who pay attention. *nods*


Sweet Dreams and Happy Easter…soon…ish.

Who remembers this guy?  ^.^ Whoa..

Tears Don’t Fall..

I can’t do it. I can not just pick one line of a song and go from there. I’ve been staring at the lyrics for this song, for example and I really can’t just pick even one verse. If you haven’t heard this song, I recommend listening to it once through and then continue from this point. So, listening to these lyrics, most of us can relate to this song in some manner at least at some point in our lives, yes? Let’s break it down for myself.

“Ten thousand times
I’ve tried, I’ve tried to call you 
I know you wanna talk
I need to show you how I hurt”

Talking calmly to screaming at the top of my lungs and it made no difference; there was no getting through to him. He’d only respond with violence or hateful words to break me down in some twisted defense that absolutely made no sense except that: Misery Loves Company. He was never done hurting me, and it didn’t matter most days if there was malicious intent or not.

“So answer me,
Talk to me,
So answer me,
Where’s your sympathy?”

I would cry myself to sleep every night at one point just so he could yell at me and scold me for crying. Selfish people only sympathize for themselves and he only felt remorse when it was evidently clear that he had been caught cheating. ‘So what? Most men cheat.’ I’ve had people say to me. O.K., even though I don’t agree with this, and  my experience does coincide with this statement, lets just say for argument’s sake in this scenario that everyone did cheat. Fine. I don’t. I didn’t. I haven’t and I won’t. It wasn’t that simple though and it never is. That person can’t say to you, “I don’t love you, I don’t want you, I’m leaving, etc”, No. In my case it started with an intimate encounter with my current boyfriend at the time that had an accidental mishap where I ended up in the hospital and was not allowed to engaged in certain intimacies until I healed. During this time, he cheated because I couldn’t have sex, while I painfully healed. I found out, it happened around my birthday and probably on it, since it would occur with a co worker while I was working, at my house. I found out because he accidentally texted her instead of me. We’ll leave it at that and his violent awakening to knives embedded into the wall. I was a bit..emotionally unstable then. Maybe if he hadn’t continued to try to lie about it I could have broken free and it wouldn’t have carried on for another year. Maybe I wouldn’t have been stuck in the same apartment. Maybe I wouldn’t have resorted to cutting and attempting suicide because I was alone and stuck in an emotionally and verbally abusive situation and was made to be afraid.

“You pour your salt into my wounds
And make me feel like I’m to blame
You pour your salt into my wounds
I won’t play your game”

I was always made to feel like the one to blame and eventually it was blatantly obvious that he thought it was only right of him to be able to run around on me but I had to remain loyal to him. After that, I became vengeful and much like a trickster. I would use him as he had used me, except that he liked it and didn’t catch on for months. He was just a friend with benefits. I no longer was trapped living with him and I was free to have my own life and soon things did become calmer and he discovered how much he did feel he needed or wanted me because I no longer needed or wanted him. Funny how that happens.

“Obsession, rejection
Your final breath is my possession
Obsession, rejection
Your final breath is now my possession”

I can’t take this verse how I’d like to. In my mind I am conflicted with the theme I’ve been going with so far in comparing this to a time in my life, to now a reminder of a fictional character from a story I have the honor of being apart of. I’ll stay on track though. The literal sense of this verse makes me think of a person’s last breath before their death, their final moment as something, someone would want to possess or control..if they were…lets say somewhat psychotic  or homicidal. Since I don’t consider myself either, just that occasionally my temper can spiral out of control, I look at this as any contact I had with my ex-boyfriend was always in my control. Every touch, every decision. It felt like, in some moments, metaphorically, if he was allowed to breath, was under my control or something I possessed. I could have hurt him terribly. I could have made him suffer as I had suffered, but I never went that far. When it came down to it, I just wasn’t and I’m not a malicious person.

“Ten thousand times
I’ve tried, I’ve tried to hate you
Forget your pretty little lies
It’s time for me to make you hurt”

In the end though, maybe he did hurt because he couldn’t have what he realized he had lost. It was too late for him; for us. The best revenge was him blowing up my phone, going through my car, and showing up at my (then ex-boyfriend’s house/now my husband) and calling me a whore and I just laughed and didn’t respond to his taunts. He proceeded to insult me and claim I was giving all the men inside the home oral sex when we were all watching a movie having a few beers, if I recall correctly. Meanwhile, one of my good friends, Chris, was outside taking a piss in a bush…men…*shakes head*…and it was quite comical for him to randomly come out of the foliage as the asshole sped off in a huff and my friend was all wide eyed ready to defend my honor. I have since nick  named him PitBull because he is loyal and…well he drove through town barking at my ex when he passed him at a gas station. Immature, yes, but extremely Hilarious.

Most of the song is repetitious now in verses and chorus but all in all, I don’t hear this song and become depressed. I am not sickened or disheartened, but instead enthralled and inspired. Most rock/metal songs that are essentially depressing or messed up, do that for me. It makes me think of the good that actually is still in this world, even if hard to find sometimes. It reminds me of how far I’ve come , where I am now, and where I can still go.

Tears don’t fall, they crash around me..

I feel all emotions with such intensity, that I don’t just tear up, I find myself sobbing because I’m usually so overwhelmed by what I feel. I feel every sorrow, every bit of grief or joy to it’s fullest. I experience everything I encounter in life as much as I can and laugh until my stomach aches and tears have stained my cheeks. When I love, I fall hard. When I hate or get angry, I want to put holes in walls. I control much of it a heck of a lot better than I did when I was a teenager so that my emotions don’t control me, but it’s still a battle. I hear these last words and I close my eyes to envision myself stuck in a downpour; a thunderstorm. It has been a long time since I have witnessed a good storm; one of my favorite things in life. Pressure builds only to explode in a  powerful force, releasing all at once. Afterwards, when there are no more tears, not a single drop of rain left to fall from the sky, the sun comes out and it’s like the earth breathes a sigh of relief; much similar to how I feel after a good cry. Sometimes..that’s all one needs. It’s most definitely healthier than holding someone’s head under water…or setting fire to something…although fire is pretty, bonfires in a controlled environment are just as constructive. ^.^

What Drives Humanity…

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”
~Marianne Williamson~

Love or Fear? Should those words really be positioned into a question? If we are born with love in our hearts and taught to fear, then is it really a choice in which road we travel down? I believe it becomes a never ending battle we face in our humanity. The fear could be implanted into our souls at a young age or something traumatic could transpire that plunges us into that dark abyss that is fear. So many key aspects to life could play into how one’s life turns out. Granted, we can not always choose the cards we are dealt but we do have a choice in how we play the game. Sometimes, those choices are limited and despised but they are still our right given to us in free will. That is the core, the heart of true power, isn’t it? The choice. One chooses to live, to die, to go to work, to save a life or to take one. Everyone is driven by those two key emotions in decisions made every day, no matter how simple and unimportant they may seem. There are however those few, which are considered sociopaths, psychopaths, etc who lack the capacity of love or fear but that would be an exception outside the norm and for another time.

Love. The definitions, technically in the dictionary are: 1) A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2) A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 3) A sexual passion or desire.

Fear is defined: 1) A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feel or condition of being afraid. 2) Concern or anxiety; something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension.

There are, again, many factors that can play into a person’s life to fuel them down either direction of love or fear. For the sake of the quote, I will keep it simple or I could be at this all day and I don’t know if I honestly have the energy to pull out the psychology books right now. There’s my choice; laziness. Moving on.

In regards to love or fear, a person is born into a family who raises them. In, instilling morals and rules into that child, depending on how that parent chooses to raise said child, that little person can grow to understand what it means to be cared for and loved and thus know how to care and love another human being. That child (in this example) opens it eyes, sees and only instinctively clings or imprints onto that guardian figure that cares for it. Maybe in a way, for arguments sake, love is something learned as well because of fear. Fear, I wonder, really, how early on does that onset into our tiny brains, generally speaking. I’m not talking about some horrid crime against nature that causes the person to spend the rest of their life healing and improving themselves (if they so choose) in order to function in society. I think it starts as early as when we, as children, do something we are taught as wrong, and fear the repercussions of punishment. I think in engaging into society and school also plays a huge role in fear in that we go out into the world not thinking bad of ourselves until some moron bullies us into thinking we are not worth what are parents spent every waking moment of our lives, convincing us otherwise. And what drives that bully? Fear. Someone did that to them. Maybe their home life wasn’t as supportive and they didn’t learn anything but fear growing up. It’s a vicious cycle, one that will never be broken no matter how hard we try. Fear is indeed taught to us. I’m not saying we never say no to one another. I’m not saying we can not reject an idea or a person, but there are non destructive ways to go about it so that maybe that person will try again and not FEAR it so they choose to give up and hide in a hole somewhere.

What saddens me and is the reason I chose to write about this quote, is how destructive fear is more so than positive. Some fear is good to feel, no? It reminds us that we have something to live for or something to lose and it makes all those goals and promises worth the success in the end. Isn’t it the journey that means more to many than the actual end result? Something else to think on I guess. So as I am easily distracted and can get off track, fear; more destructive than good. If not given the tools to push through fear, especially what isn’t real and only exists in our minds (which is I feel 95% of all fear), then that person can plummet off a cliff and two things could happen. They could succumb and become self destructive to themselves or they could succumb and stop feeling all together..and become self destructive to others. This is the extreme of course, but so many people ignore the signs and then there are mass shootings in schools by children. Kindergartners are being suspended for bringing knives into school. (I’m not talking by accident either, like attacking another student with it deal.) What saddens me is when it gets that bad and people hurt others for kicks or even animals. I think those people are absent love and fear.

How important are those words to you? For me, I have Love or Fear tattooed onto my back shoulder beneath a burning rose. Take it as you will.